Ellie Izzo, Vicki Carpel Miller 2013-02-01 02:55:03
Faith In The Finish One of the biggest challenges in life today is simply staying on track. We repeat to ourselves clichés like: keep it simple; one day at a time; get your ducks in a row; it will all work out in the end; trust the process; the journey is more important than the destination. Frequently, these platitudes only build upon our clients’ frustration, especially when they are multi-tasking and juggling four or five activities at once. The journey becomes more tiring and much less stimulating when the clients forget exactly where they are going with each particular activity. Moreover, life in the information age inherently incorporates many detours, side road and dead ends. When clients forget or unconsciously change their destination or goal, for whatever reason, they experience the bewilderment of being misdirected and getting absolutely nowhere. Imagine your client plans a road trip from Phoenix to New York. He or she starts out admirably and then, takes a wrong turn in St. Louis. The client can remain in St. Louis, which will now require an entirely new set of logistics. Or she/he can stay true to the original destination. When our clients remember or have faith in the goal, they will do what it takes to get to New York. When our clients don’t reach a particular goal they have committed to, they have probably forgotten or unconsciously changed that goal. When they consistently remember it , clients can put faith in the goal, and in so doing, automatically map out the shortest distance between two points. Staying on course, reaching the goal, enjoying the view, and getting to the finish, allows the clients to plan another journey. Each time clients complete the sequence they build trust in their ability to take a more challenging trip. Here is an example of a couple in a collaborative divorce who needed to put their faith in the finish. Ted and Mary realized they had gotten off the track by not consistently remembering their mission statement (which referenced why they had chosen a collaborative divorce) and their original stated goals for collaboration; • To engage in a respectful and peaceful divorce, and to leave their unhappy marriage in a dignified way, • To be transparent with each other and their team; • To refrain from arguing or positioning themselves when creating the shared parenting plan and the division of their possessions, • To make their own decisions about their future with guidance from their team, and • To keep the children and other family members out of the middle Staying true to their goals was paramount to the accomplishment. In our coaching 4-way meeting, Ted and Mary needed to have a necessary and difficult conversation about why they each thought they were getting off course. Ted was concerned and fearful that Mary would not encourage his parenting time with the children. Mary was worried that Ted would hold her hostage around the finances. Once they shared their concerns openly and from a vulnerable and compassionate place, they became more centered and less fearful. They both agreed to take some time to talk and recommit to their original goal of a peaceful divorce, one built on open and honest communication. As they restated their goal, they put their faith in the goal, and in each other to complete it. By doing this in a safe environment with their coaches, Ted and Mary were ready to put their parenting plan in place. They stayed on track and got the job done. They built trust in their ability to stay the course, follow through with their goals, remain true to their word and finish with respect and integrity. They build trust to cross the finish line and left the coaching meeting with a sense of accomplishment, purpose and a plan they created themselves. Spiritually, every divorce is actually a creative process. Completing the journey consummates that activity called creativity. Goal setting only becomes meaningful with goal attaining because it is the finishing that truly reflects the realization of the process. Collaborative coaching provides the safe container and professional guidance for a divorcing couple to have the necessary and difficult conversations that must be spoken aloud in order to navigate a peaceful divorce. Putting their faith in the finish is the powerful spiritual impetus that thrusts clients directly through any obstacle along the way. When they stay true to the goal, it becomes a reality and ultimately, clients experience the joy of their most precious God-given gift; the ability to create. Ellie Izzo, PhD, LPC and Vicki Carpel Miller, BSN, MS, LMFT have been in private practice collectively for over 50 years. They have co-authored several books including “Second-Hand Shock: Overcoming and Surviving Vicarious Trauma”; “After Shock The Workbook”; “Just Stop Eating That”; “Just Stop Doing That”; and “Just Stop Picking Losers.” Vicki and Ellie are co-founders and co-directors of the Collaborative Divorce Institute and the Vicarious Trauma Institute located in Scottsdale, Arizona. Each brings a unique style to collaborative coaching, assisting clients to address transitions respectfully and with dignity. Ellie and Vicki travel extensively training lawyers, mental health and financial professionals in the art of interdisciplinary full team collaborative divorce. To reach Dr. Izzo, please call 480.991.4119. To reach Vicki Carpel Miller, please call 480.551.2600.
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